


promise me

by Lewdsuke



Series: Iwaizumi/Oikawa [9]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Depressed Iwaizumi Hajime, Depression, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad Iwaizumi Hajime, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-03-09 12:17:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18916825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lewdsuke/pseuds/Lewdsuke
Summary: Empty promises. Excuses. Then blood.Iwaizumi can't. He won't promise himself because all he ever does is lie. He never thought existing would be the hardest thing he ever had to do. But he doesn't want anyone else to know that.And he'd lie as much as he needed.Warning: descriptions of self harm





	1. excuses

**Author's Note:**

> listening to lofi/jazz/dreamy beats helps if you want to be in your feels i think

 

“Insecure? You’re like, the most buff guy in the school,” Hanamaki snorted.

 

Iwaizumi’s hands lingered on the hem of his shirt as everybody changed after practice. Everyone except Iwaizumi, that is. He had never done this before, so Hanamaki was surprised, asking him about it. Iwaizumi shrugged and claimed he was insecure and didn’t want to change in front of everyone. Luckily nobody else had been listening to them, because they would surely have the same response as Hanamaki.

 

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi looked up at his friend, who didn’t notice the falter of his smile.

 

Hanamaki was about to question him further until Oikawa yelled out, walking over to them, “Iwa-chan! You’re not changed? Let’s go home.”

 

Iwaizumi turned to wave off his friend, “Ah, sorry, I have to ask our advisor about something, you can go on without me.”

 

Oikawa nodded, frowned, then walked out of the room, the rest of the team following after. Iwaizumi stood still, taking a deep breath and facing his locker, waiting. When the steps and voices finally faded away, he pulled off his shorts and quickly pulled on his sweatpants, then off with his shirt.

 

The door creaked open, “Sorry, I think I forgot my pho....”

 

Iwaizumi’s eyes widened in panic. Hanamaki stood at the door, frozen in place as he stared at the ace’s bare torso. Both of them were paralyzed; neither knew who should speak first.

 

Hajime Iwaizumi never  _told_  people about his problems. He dealt with them or, worst case scenario, people found out before he did. This time it was the latter.

 

“Iwaizumi...,” Hanamaki whispered, walking slowly towards his friend, as if he were scared of startling him.

 

Scrambling to pick up the shirt he’d dropped, Iwaizumi tried to stutter out a “don’t look” and “it’s not what you think” in a hushed voice. Hanamaki stopped him before he could put his shirt back on, his hand on the shorter’s shoulder.

 

“Iwaizumi,” Hanamaki said again, and Iwaizumi couldn’t bear to look at him, not wanting to see the pity in his friend’s eyes.

 

 

Shaking his head, Iwaizumi looked up at Hanamaki in desperation, “Don’t tell anyone. Don’t... don’t tell Oikawa,” he begged, because of all of his secrets, this was his least favorite. He couldn’t let anyone else find out,  _especially_  Oikawa.

“What am I supposed to do? Iwaizumi you’re  _hurting_  yourself, what do you expect me to—“

“Makki,” Iwaizumi interrupted, cringing as he looked down at his body. His hips and stomach were covered in scars: deep and straight and far too orderly to not have been deliberate. Hanamaki even saw scars shaped into a word leading beneath his shorts, but it was so ragged that he couldn’t make it out. Iwaizumi grabbed his friend by the collar of his shirt. It wasn’t rough, but he pulled him down until they were closer to eye level, “ **Promise** me you won’t tell anyone.”

 

Hanamaki looked discontented, “You know I can’t... I can’t condone this, Iwaizumi. What you’re asking is unreasonable.”

 

“I know,” Iwaizumi gritted his teeth, but he looked less angry and more forlorn, “I know it is. But please, just **promise** me. Isn’t it enough that  _you_  know? I don’t need help or anything like that. I’m fine and I can take care of it myself.”

Hanamaki sighed, “So... is it cool if I bother you less about how short you are and more about... this?” 

 

Iwaizumi let go him, an irritated smile crossing his lips as he finally pulled on his shirt, “I guess that preferable.”

 

“Then I won’t tell.”

 

The ace nodded, picking up his bag to leave, “Thanks, Makki.”

 

———

 

It had been a few days since Hanamaki saw his scars. He hadn’t brought it up, but he always acted way too careful and odd when he talked to Iwaizumi.

 

“Yo. Makki,” Iwaizumi called out, gesturing for his friend to come over as they took a water break during practice. Hanamaki jogged over to the vice captain, “Stop being so weird.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, “You know what I’m talking about. You’ve been acting weird around me ever since... the incident."

 

Hanamaki forced a laugh, “Are we calling it ‘the incident’ now?”

 

“Exactly. Act like that. You don’t have to be so cautious,” he cracked a smile, “You don’t have to worry about me cutting myself over you.”

 

The taller boy’s smile fell, “My joke was better.”

 

“Whatever,” Iwaizumi grumbled, walking away from Hanamaki, who in turn just grabbed his wrist. He could feel his friend standing close behind him, breath hot on his neck.

 

“Why do you do it, then?”

 

Iwaizumi didn’t respond.

 

“I hope you're trying to stop.”

 

“Of course,” Iwaizumi muttered, tearing his wrist away to leave.

 

———

 

“Ow! Shit!” Iwaizumi cursed when Kyoutani spiked the ball too close to the net, landing awkwardly and colliding with his front. His rear end smashed against Iwaizumi’s inner thigh before they rolled onto their side on the floor.

 

Kyoutani groaned as he picked himself up, his head spinning as Hanamaki rushed over to take Iwaizumi’s hand and lift him up. The ace’s face was contorted in pain; Kyoutani wondered if he hit him harder than he thought.

 

“You okay?” Hanamaki inquired, his voice low enough for only Iwaizumi, but Kyoutani could hear. Iwaizumi squeezed Hanamaki’s hand momentarily before nodding and letting go of him. Surely, he wasn’t the only who found it strange that Iwaizumi looked so hurt?

 

“Shake it off, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa shouted from behind them.

 

Iwaizumi literally did so, rolling his neck and shaking out each limb, then glaring at Kyoutani, “Fucking watch yourself. If you stop being so possessive over the ball, this stuff wouldn’t happen.”

 

Kyoutani nodded. On the other side of the net, Matsukawa served the ball. Just as he did so, Kyoutani glanced down at Iwaizumi’s legs, “You’re bleeding.”

 

Ignoring the ball that was coming his way, Hanamaki ran right back to Iwaizumi, placing a hand on his back. The ace groaned looking down at the trickle of blood down to his knee.

 

Oikawa was next to him right after that, “Iwa-chan? What happened? Why are you bleeding?” He questioned.

 

Iwaizumi looked almost fearful when he turned to see his friend so close, “Ah, it’s nothing. I’ll go to the bathroom to check,” he said, retreating from the scene, Hanamaki at his heel.

 

———

 

For Iwaizumi, it was the most dreaded time of the day again as he headed to change. He could only stand awkwardly as everyone around him undressed, struggling to think of an excuse for Oikawa today.

 

“Iwa-chan—“

 

“Iwaizumi,” Kyoutani said above him, causing the captain to look rather offended, “I want to talk.”

 

The younger boy didn’t expect to see him so relieved when he looked at Oikawa to say, “I’ll catch up with you.” Iwaizumi felt guilty when he saw the captain’s disappointed face.

 

When everyone was gone, Kyoutani glared at Iwaizumi, more out of concern than anything else, but no one could really discern the difference between his glares, “Is you injury okay?” He asked.

 

Iwaizumi looked surprised that his underclassmen would actually bother to stay back and ask him that, “Oh, yeah, it’s nothing.”

 

Kyoutani looked unconvinced, however, “Let me look at it.”

 

“No.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Shouldn’t you be going home? It’s late.”

 

“I want to see,” Kyoutani growled, stepping closer.

 

Iwaizumi couldn’t be intimidated so easily, though, glaring at the younger boy and puffing out his chest, “No,” he growled.

 

Kyoutani bit down on his lip, “Tell me why you were bleeding. I don’t think I hit you that hard,” he hated talking this much, but Iwaizumi was one of the few people he respected, and seeing him...  _weak_  was infuriating.

 

Regaining his composure, Iwaizumi backed down, annoyed with Kyoutani’s persistence, “I got a cut right there yesterday. It probably just reopened when you fell on it.”

 

“I fell on that one cut?” Kyoutani argued.

 

“You and your big ass.”

 

Kyoutani grimaced, fighting the heat rising to his face, “What’s wrong with you?” He huffed.

 

“You should respect your elders,” Iwaizumi crossed his arms, “Hurry up and go home.” All he wanted to do was just  _change_  and  _leave_  but Kyoutani was making it so difficult. He didn’t expect the younger boy to yank roughly on the front of his shirt, head bowed.

 

He didn’t expect him to say, “If you’re gonna he reckless with your body, do it playing volleyball,” in a quiet voice, then promptly leaving the room.

 

Iwaizumi let out a breath he’d been holding for a while now, letting his head hit the locker in front of him. He couldn’t bear to keep up this act, but he wasn’t able to let it go.

 

———

 

Inadequate. Unlovable. Irrational. Mean. Every serve he messed up. Every spike he ruined. Every perfect set he let slip between his fingers. Every time he saw Oikawa cry. Every time they lost to Shiratorizawa. Every time he lied to Hanamaki about getting better. Every betrayed look Matsukawa gave Hanamaki because he knew his friend wasn’t telling him something. Every time Kyoutani glared at him.

 

It was like everything that ever hurt him swallowed him up when he closed his eyes and tried to relax and fight the urge to hurt himself even more. But he never won. He couldn’t fight his fingers moving towards the razor blade in his bedside drawer. He sucked in a breath as he slit his own skin, dark blood bubbling up and spilling out. It hurt so bad, but it felt so fucking good. And he hated himself for loving how pain made him feel. He couldn’t even explain why he did it. But if he couldn’t explain why, then how could he explain why not? Either way, the blade moved quicker and quicker, and then he stopped.

 

His wrists were like clean canvases, waiting patiently to be painted. And Iwaizumi had a paintbrush. He willed himself to stop, because people would see it there. But just one should be fine, right? He lowered the blade, hesitantly pressing the tip into his skin until it cracked. He kept pressing and pressing, then dragging it until his hand spazzed and the blade fell onto his mattress, a splotch of blood dirtying the sheets.

 

“Fuck,” Iwaizumi’s voice cracked into a whimper as he held tightly to the cut, “Dammit, dammit.”

 

It hurt so bad. And he wanted more.

 

———

 

“Woah, Iwaizumi, the hell happened to your wrist?” Matsukawa asked, taken aback the bandages wrapped there.

 

Iwaizumi scowled, “Some fucking stray cat attacked me when I was walking home yesterday and scratched the shit out of my arm.”

 

Matsukawa laughed, unsuspecting of the ace’s excuse. He’d gotten unfortunately good at lying after all this. Hanamaki said nothing when he saw.

 

Oikawa did, however, when Iwaizumi cringed with every receive and spike, “Iwa-chan, if it hurts that bad, maybe you should take a break,” he suggested, an empathetic smile on his face, because if anyone knew the pain of having to sit out for injuries, it was Oikawa.

 

It was Oikawa.

 

Fuck.

 

It was  _Oikawa_.

Iwaizumi’s breath shook and he didn’t respond, afraid of how broken his voice would sound. He opted for a nod of his head, rushing off the court out of the gym, stunning the rest of his team. All he could think was  _Oikawa_.

_———_

The mattress felt uncomfortable, even with the freshly cleaned sheets. Iwaizumi shuddered and buried his face in his pillow. He’d been laying there for hours because it hurt to move. Everything ached and he could only think that it was all  _his_  fault. Shittykawa. Trashykawa. Asskawa.

 

“Iwa-chan?”

 

Iwaizumi shoulders tensed up when he flinched violently at the painfully familiar voice, “What?” He said in a muffled voice. He didn’t want to look up.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Oikawa’s voice dropped an octave, suddenly very serious and Iwaizumi felt the bed dip by his feet, “Haji... Hajime?”

 

Iwaizumi hadn’t heard him say that name in a long time. He liked it. Begrudgingly, he picked himself up to sit shoulder-to-shoulder with his friend, unable to look him in the eye. He didn’t let Oikawa speak, he just twisted his back so he could lay his head on the setter’s shoulder, burying his face in his neck.

 

Oikawa didn’t move. After all, he wasn’t accustomed to Iwaizumi suddenly doing things like this, “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Iwaizumi shook his head, so Oikawa stayed as still as he possibly could until the ace’s breath was soft and shallow. He gently lifted Iwaizumi’s head to lay him back down on the mattress, then scooted onto the floor, stretching out his legs and resting his back on the mattress.

 

———

 

It was 2am when Iwaizumi awoke, still drowsy. Oikawa was on the floor, fast asleep. He looked uncomfortable. Iwaizumi checked to make sure his bedside drawer was closed before shaking his friend awake, “Oikawa,” his voice was hoarse.

 

“Mm? Iwa-chan?” Oikawa replied sluggishly, looking up at him and rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands.

 

Iwaizumi moved to the edge of his bed so his knees were beside Oikawa’s head, “Sorry. Do you want to sleep on the bed?”

He asked, feeling bad that he’d made him sleep on the floor after he came all the way here to check on him.

 

Oikawa smiles lazily, his joints creaking as he stood up, “Thanks,” he said as he flopped onto the bed. Iwaizumi was about to get off the bed to sleep somewhere else when the other boy grabbed his hand and pulled him back, “You don’ have to sleep on th’ floor. Thas uncomfy” he said, eyes barely open.

 

He felt uncertain, but how could he resist Oikawa, the cause of all his problems? Without argument, he fell back onto the bed, now much warmer with his friend beside him. They didn’t touch, but Iwaizumi felt his face heat up, because even then he still felt like Oikawa was enveloping him in his arms. He was glad it was dark.

 

———

 

“Iwa-chan.”

 

“Hm?” Iwaizumi responded groggily, mussing up his hair as he sat up in bed. Oikawa was already up and awake, even dressed for school. He must not have even gone home after practice yesterday.

 

“What is that?”

 

Iwaizumi breath hitched as he followed the line of Oikawa’s finger to find his shorts had ridden up, revealing the scarring there, “That... that’s old,” he finally said, which wasn’t completely a lie. He hadn’t cut along his thighs for weeks, ever since Kyoutani has figured him out.

 

The answer didn’t seem to comfort Oikawa though, as he frowned deeply, “Why are they there at all?”

 

Finding an excuse for that was even harder, so Iwaizumi shrugged, “It doesn’t matter if they’re old, does it?” He closed his eyes, because suddenly he felt like crying and that would surely ruin his mask.

 

Oikawa gulped, stepping forward to stand between Iwaizumi’s legs, which were hanging off the bed. He threaded one hand into the ace’s hair, pulling his head to his stomach, “ **Promise** me they’re old?”

 

Iwaizumi’s lip trembled, and he was thankful to have his face pressed against Oikawa’s stomach, “...I **promise** ,” it felt like there was a thorn lodged in his throat.

 

With that, Oikawa let go, much to Iwaizumi’s chagrin, “See you at school,” he said, barely over a whisper, and left.

 

 

 

 


	2. different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi’s spiral into self destruction.

It had been two and half months since Hanamaki first found out about Iwaizumi’s self-harm. He didn’t know if he was getting better or not. Well, he was positive it was getting worse actually because the bandages on Iwaizumi’s wrists always increased. He’d give various excuses, like cat scratches or something about helping his muscles. It was all bullshit, anyway.

“Iwaizumi, can we talk?” Hanamaki asked when practice had ended. See, the ace had a system by now; he simply rushed out of the gym before the rest of the team and changed as fast as he could. Hanamaki figured that must mean his self-destructive tendencies weren’t getting any better.

Iwaizumi frowned, but nodded. He looked tired, not just from practice. As the team retreated to their club room to change, Hanamaki looked his friend in the eye, “Are you... okay?”

The shorter boy gave a nonchalant shrug, “Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  
“I mean... the cutting,” Hanamaki breathed out. He hated talking about it, but he felt that he had to for the sake of his friend.

Iwaizumi averted his gaze, looking at the ground, “Yeah... I’m stopping,” he replied quietly.

“But those bandages. How can I be sure? And you cover up the others so—“

The ace looked back up to glare at Hanamaki, grabbing the hem of his shorts and yanking them up for his friend to see, “Look. They’re old. Closed up.”

Hanamaki gulped when he looked down at Iwaizumi’s thighs. It was true, at least. There were only pale streaks of healed scars left there. Still, Iwaizumi was different.

“And these bandages are also for old scars. Those were just... deeper,” Iwaizumi finished, letting his shorts fall back to their normal place, then waltzing past Hanamaki.

“Iwaizumi! You know I’m just trying to help,” Hanamaki called after his friend, desperation in his voice.

The vice captain stopped in his tracks, shoulders rising and falling as he took a deep breath, “I know. I’m sorry, Makki. I **promise** I’m trying to fix this,” he turned his head to offer Hanamaki a small smile, then left the gym.

———

Kyoutani could never stop thinking about what was happening with Iwaizumi. The ace was tired; he could tell. His spikes looked angry, like Iwaizumi was venting instead of playing volleyball.

Kyoutani didn’t like it. At all.

“Iwaizumi,” He said in a low voice, “I want to talk to you.” Normally he never ran into Iwaizumi before school started, but he waited for him in the third year hallway that morning, impatient.

Iwaizumi looked surprised, to say the least, “What’s up?”

The second year looked around carefully, “Um, privately,” he added. He could see other third years were giving him weird looks, which was annoying him.

The ace nodded, leading Kyoutani to a secluded staircase, “What did you want to talk about?” Iwaizumi’s tone was pleasant, but something told the younger that it was forced.

Nevertheless, Kyoutani gulped, mentally preparing himself for what he was about to say. Speaking his mind was normally very easy for him, but this was different. This made him feel vulnerable, and he despised that feeling. After all, he’d decided that he’d finally admit to Iwaizumi that he felt... _more_ than just respect for him.

“I like you, Iwaizumi,” he finally said, head down because he didn’t want to look at the older boy. He was supposed to be figuring him out, not causing him more problems, “Shit.”

“Oh,” Iwaizumi’s eyes were wide.

Kyoutani clenched his fists, glaring fiercely at the ground, “I like you. So I want to know what’s wrong with you. You’re acting fucking weird.”

The ace frowned then, “Nothing is wrong with me,” he responded, turning to leave before the conversation could get more out of hand.

Kyoutani didn’t allow this. He grabbed Iwaizumi by his sleeves, roughly shoving him against the wall, “Don’t run from me. The Iwaizumi I fell for wouldn’t fucking leave me hanging like this!”

Iwaizumi shuddered and grimaced, both in physical and emotional pain. He glared at the younger boy, then smashed their lips together. Kyoutani let out a high pitched growl and quickly yanked his head away from the ace. Iwaizumi could clearly see a look of betrayal in his eyes, but ignored it, “Isn’t that all you want?” He whispered, “If you wanna fuck then I don’t care, let’s do it.”

Kyoutani looked horrified, backing away from Iwaizumi. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again and instead slapped the older boy across the face, “Fucking die then,” he hissed and stormed off down the stairs.

“Iwa-chan! What happened to your face?” Oikawa immediately asked when he saw his friend at his classroom.

Iwaizumi simply replied, “Girl troubles,” and walked past him.

———

“Mad Dog-chan looks even more pissy today,” Oikawa whispered to Matsukawa during practice as they watched the second year repeatedly spike and serve everything out of bounds.

“About that,” Matsukawa crossed his arms and looked at the captain, “You should’ve heard what Iwaizumi said to him.”

———

Before Iwaizumi could even process what happened, he was being pinned to the lockers by Matsukawa, who had an amused smirk on his face. He had one hand on the locker, beside the ace’s head. The other sat on his hip, slightly jutted out, “I can’t believe you said that.”

The ace raised an eyebrow, baffled by the statement, “What did I say?”

“I heard you and Kyoutani this morning.”

Iwaizumi sucked in a breath, “...Oh,” was all he could say. He tried not to think about that. He wasn’t thinking straight and really hadn’t meant it the way it came out. There was no fixing it now.

“Why’d you say that?” Matsukawa prompted, leaning closer.

“It was the truth, I guess,” Iwaizumi answered with a sigh.

The taller boy let out a breathy laugh, “Really? That’s irresponsible of you, Iwaizumi. Just fucking any guy who’s interested?”

Iwaizumi shrugged, “Maybe,” his voice was a low rumble as he looked up at his friend, “Why?”

Matsukawa looked up, to the left, and then back down at the ace, “Dunno. I’m just curious,” he backed up a bit, looking concerned suddenly, which bothered Iwaizumi immensely, “Seriously though, man, I’m worried about you. You’re not acting like yourself.”

Biting his lip, Iwaizumi yanked on Matsukawa’s shirt until their bodies had no space between them, “Shut up. If we’re gonna fuck, lets hurry up.”

Matsukawa was taken aback, gripping Iwaizumi’s hands to weakly try and pry him off, “What? That’s not—“ he was cut off by a hand that cupping his crotch, “Iwai—!”

“Shut up,” Iwaizumi hissed as he slipped his hand into Matsukawa’s pants.

“But... don’t you... Oikawa...,” Matsukawa stuttered out as he felt himself growing hard beneath the ace’s hand.

“I won’t tell if you don’t,” Iwaizumi whispered, his breath hot on Matsukawa’s neck, “ **Promise** me, Mattsun.”

“Fuck,” Matsukawa moaned, thrusting into Iwaizumi’s hand, “I **promise**.”

———

“Where’ve you been Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi stared at his friend, who was walking out of his house as soon as he’d gotten home, “Why were you in my house?” He questioned.

Oikawa pouted, “I was gonna wait for you so we could hang out, but then you took a long time. Where were you?”

“Mattsun was on my ass about what I said to Kyoutani,” Iwaizumi said briskly.

Frowning, the captain crossed his arms, “Why did you say that?”

Iwaizumi simply shrugged him off, “Whatever. Let’s hang out tomorrow. We can grab a bite after practice.”

The captain smiled, “Oh, sure!”

Iwaizumi smiled back, nodding, “Cool. Then I’ll see you—“

“But Iwa-chan,” Oikawa interrupted, ignoring his friend’s glare, “You’ve been acting weird lately. Are you okay?”

The ace groaned, opening the gate to his house, “I’m sick of everyone saying that. I’m the same as always.”

“I’m worried about you, Hajime.”

Iwaizumi took a deep breath, annoyed by the control that Oikawa had just by saying his name, “I appreciate it, Tooru. But I’m fine,” he ignored whatever else the setter tried to say and retreated into his home.

———

 _Asshole. You’re a fucking asshole. An arrogant, inconsiderate bastard_. Iwaizumi washed his scarlet wrists in his sink, scowling at them. _You didn’t have to say that to Kyoutan_ i, he thought as he scrubbed blood from his new wounds.

He tried to close his eyes and force the thoughts away, but then all he could think about was Matsukawa. He shouldn’t have done that with him. That should’ve been Oikawa. Iwaizumi grimaced, his hips suddenly throbbing just from remembering. It felt so fucking good at the time, but now he regretted every part of it. He shouldn’t have done it.

Iwaizumi slid to his knees, looking through the cabinet for more bandages. His whole body hurt. His cheek stung from Kyoutani’s slap. His ass hurt because Matsukawa didn’t fucking prepare him properly. Adding even more scars to his body sounded like the dumbest thing he could’ve ever done, but it made him feel so alive every time. Being numb all the time made the fleeting thrill of the pain of a razor blade all the more splendid.

“ _Oikawa. Oikawa. Oikawa. Oikawa._ ” He mumbled it beneath his breath like a mantra every time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing with writers block is HARD sorry for this shitty story hopefully it’ll get better, fluff in next chapter probs. But fr I’ll try way harder on future chapters


	3. guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i like this chapter. comments and kudos appreciated! note: each chapter is a new month, that's a little important to know

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa grinned as he buried his face into Iwaizumi’s thighs, “I’m glad you’ve been happier lately. You were so weird last month.”

 

Iwaizumi nodded, threading his fingers through his boyfriend’s soft hair, “Mm. I still don’t think Kyoutani likes me, though,” he replied.

 

The setter shrugged, not wanting to discuss that any further. See, Iwaizumi had opened up to him in the past month they’d started dating. He’d told him how he’d felt inexplicably depressed and tired and didn’t know how to handle it. Since then, Oikawa had been working with him on staying more positive, and it must’ve been working because Iwaizumi was back to his normal self.

 

Iwaizumi, however, left out some crucial facts. He didn’t mention how he’d been cutting himself for a couple months now, or how Hanamaki already knew, or how he’d had sex with Matsukawa to try and forget his troubles. He especially didn’t mention that he was still cutting, and that every smile and word of encouragement he gave to the team was strained and agonizing. Only his smiles for Oikawa were real, and he was even beginning to doubt those.

 

“Iwa-chan?” Oikawa shifted so the back of his head was resting on Iwaizumi’s thighs, allowing him to look up at his boyfriend, “Do you love me?”

 

“Of course,” Iwaizumi responded automatically, scrolling through his phone.

 

“Then say it.”

 

Iwaizumi sighed, putting his phone down beside him and making some sort of pouty scowl as he looked down at Oikawa and said, “I love you, Tooru.”

 

The setter immediately grinned, leaning up a bit to reach Iwaizumi’s lips. The ace rolled his eyes and leaned down to meet him.

 

———

 

Ever since Oikawa and Iwaizumi started dating, Hanamaki hadn’t asked about Iwaizumi’s scars anymore. Perhaps he thought Oikawa would help him. Either way, the ace was just thankful that Hanamaki had seemingly kept to his  **promise**  and not told anyone else about it.

 

Kyoutani knew, but ever since his confession he ignored Iwaizumi. In fact, the only person he would consistently respond to was Yahaba. It made practice with him difficult, but Iwaizumi was in no place to complain.

 

As for Matsukawa.... Iwaizumi wasn’t sure. He kept his shirt on at that time, but Matsukawa surely saw the older ones on his thighs. If he did, he didn’t say anything.

 

Although he was glad that they’d kept their mouths shut involving the secret, Iwaizumi couldn’t help but get a headache whenever he was around them. After all, he continuously lied to Hanamaki, rejected and hurt Kyoutani, and used Matsukawa to aid in his own self-destruction.

 

Still, he did a good job of hiding this. Oikawa was observant, so it took all of his focus to seem as natural as possible. But he was doing this for Oikawa, so that he wouldn’t have to worry.

 

At least, he told himself it was for Oikawa.

 

———

 

“You’ve new improving a lot lately, Kunimi, but sometimes you still give up on the dig halfway through,” Iwaizumi instructed, “That’s got to to change if you’re gonna be a starter.”

 

“Right,” Kunimi nodded his head, running back to the practice game.

 

Iwaizumi sighed, grabbing his water bottle to sit down and take a break. He closed his eyes and relaxed, and when he opened them, Hanamaki was sitting beside him with a sly grin.

 

“What the hell, Makki?” Iwaizumi asked, startled as he hadn’t even heard him coming.

 

Hanamaki shrugged, “We haven’t talked in a while.”

 

“About that, you mean,” Iwaizumi grumbled.

 

The taller boy chuckled sheepishly, “Caught me. I just wanted to check on you.”

 

Iwaizumi sighed again, looking over at where Oikawa was working on the perfect way to set the ball for Kindaichi and Kyoutani, “Well, I’m doing fine. Oikawa... has been a big help.”

 

“So you have told him about everything?”

 

The ace hesitantly nodded his head, “Yeah.”

 

Hanamaki narrowed his eyes, “Then why do you still have bandages on your wrists?”

 

Iwaizumi tensed up and jerked his head to look back at Hanamaki, “They’re just from old scars. I don’t want anyone else to see and worry.”

 

His friend looked at him for a second before nodding and standing up, “Okay. I trust you. Take care of yourself, Iwaizumi.”

 

Watching him leave made Iwaizumi cringe and grit his teeth. He’d apologize to Hanamaki for all the lies someday.

 

———

 

“M-Mattsun, we can’t,” Iwaizumi growled, his hands planted firmly on Matsukawa’s chest to keep him at a distance. Practice had ended and he had gone to the bathroom, not noticing his teammate coming with him until Iwaizumi had washed his hands and was leaving, only to be shoved back in a stall.

 

Matsukawa frowned, letting his head hang low until it rested on the ace’s shoulder, “Come on.... We won’t go all the way this time,” he said, trying to persuade him.

 

Even so, Iwaizumi shook his head, but he could feel his resolve crumbling, “I... I don’t know, man.”

 

Without warning, Matsukawa pushed forward and pressed his lips against Iwaizumi’s, then pulled back quickly. He thumbed over the shorter boy’s bottom lip and offered him a smile, “Nobody will find out....,” he whispered.

 

Iwaizumi glared at him, grinding his teeth as he weighed his options. On one side, he would be betraying Oikawa, the best thing to ever happen to him. On the other side, Matsukawa was just way too good at distracting him, and Iwaizumi _did_ like his distractions.

 

“Fuck,” he hissed, a hand reaching up to pull roughly at Matsukawa’s hair, “This is the last time,” he said, yanking the taller boy towards him.

 

Matsukawa smirked, “Of course,” he breathed against Iwaizumi’s lips before smashing them together again. The ace didn’t even resist the tongue prodding inside, nor did he resist the hands trailing up and down his body.

 

Why didn’t he resist?

 

———

 

Every footstep felt like a stab to the heart. Every blink ached, his body trying to force him to fall asleep and never awake. The voice beside him, usually so beautiful and happy when he heard it... it made him lose his breath, like two hands pushing up to strangle him, painfully, slowly, patiently. The world was blurry and dark as he zoned out, the voice echoing in his head, words becoming gibberish. His heartbeat was slow... so slow....

 

“Iwa-chan?”

 

Iwaizumi jerked his head up, blinking away his daze to look at his boyfriend. Oikawa was smiling at him. It was the most wonderful smile. It wasn’t his flirtatious one, or his teasing one, or his excited one. It was just his smile; pure and sincere.

 

It broke Iwaizumi’s heart.

 

“Yeah?” His voice was hoarse and quiet, so he cleared his throat.

 

Oikawa chuckled, turning his head back to look forward as they walked home, “You looked like you were about to fall asleep on me,” he said, a fake pout now on his face.

 

The ace could only smile, hoping his eyes reflected the same as his lips, “Sorry. I’m just tired.”

 

“Oh?” Oikawa looked back at him again, evidently concerned as he gave Iwaizumi a curious look, “Do you just want to go home instead of my place, then?”

 

Iwaizumi stopped in his tracks. He could feel his hands shaking and his knees wobbling. Oikawa walked a few steps ahead only to turn around and look back at his boyfriend, “Iwa—“

 

“I’m fine,” Iwaizumi quickly breathed out, “I want to go to your place,” he attempted a grin as he said so. It must’ve looked convincing because Oikawa laughed and started to walk forward again.

 

Reaching for the setter’s hand, his chest felt tight when Oikawa’s squeezed. Iwaizumi always loved his hands. So slender, yet strong. Delicate, but rough.

 

_It broke his heart._ _  
_

_———_

_“_ I love you, Tooru. I love you so much.”

 

“I know, Hajime. I love you, too!”

 

———

 

A sharp intake of breath. Heartbeat loud and rapid. Hands trembling violently. Goosebumps up and down his arms. His knees curled closer to his chest as he tried to feel as small as possible, tucked away in a filthy bathroom stall. A bad choice, because now he was only reminded of  _that_.

 

And  _that_  reminded him of last night. 

 

>  
> 
>  
> 
> _“You know...,” Oikawa_ _h_ _ad a sheepish blush as tangled his hands_ _in_ _Iwaizumi’s spiky hair, “_ _I’ve_ _never actually done this before.”_
> 
> _Iwaizumi_ _raised an eyebrow, “Really? Mr._ _Popular_ _is a virgin?” He teased,_ _kissing_ _his_ _boyfriend’s neck softly_ _, sweetly._
> 
> _Oikawa rolled his eyes, yanking_ _lightly_ _on his hair, “Yeah,_ _because you’re_  definitely _not_ _a_ _virgin_ _,”_ _he_ _joked._
> 
> _Iwaizumi gulped,_ _chuckled,_ _“Ah. I guess_   _you’re_   _right._ _”_
> 
> _“My Iwa-chan is too innocent for that!” Oikawa giggled as he continued to tease the ace, a_ _twinkle_ _in his eye as he did so._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Trashykawa,” Iwaizumi’s voice shook as spit out the_ _insult,_ _“Are you really one to talk, considering_ your _virgin ass is on the line here._ _”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Oikawa only laughed at him again, propping his legs up and around Iwaizumi’s waist to pull him close, into those soft lips._ _  
> _

Iwaizumi shook his head slowly, his fingers tracing over his lips as he tried to remember the feeling of Oikawa’s lips against his own, of Oikawa’s hands grabbing him, touching him, loving him.

 

Before he could get close to the memory of Oikawa’s arms, Iwaizumi was shot back down by the rough touches and lips of someone else.

 

He didn’t blame Matsukawa. He _should_ blame Matsukawa. At least a little bit. But why didn’t he?

 

Iwaizumi curled his toes as the realization hit him like a brick.

 

Oikawa’s hands made him feel loved, calm, happy. Matsukawa’s made him feel dirty, mean, unworthy.

 

The razor blade he kept with him made him feel alive, angry, unworthy.

 

The bandages on his wrists made him feel dishonest, undeserving, unworthy.

 

Iwaizumi wanted to feel hurt until he felt nothing at all.

 

That’s what brought the blade back to his thighs which had finally healed. That’s why the blood was sleeping from his skin in the middle of a school day. That’s why he smiled at the burning pain.

 

Iwaizumi laughed through a sob as he looked down at himself. He hoped Oikawa wouldn’t want to have sex again anytime soon. He may have been able to keep his shirt on last night, but these would be harder to hide next time.

 

>  
> 
>  
> 
> _“You’d never leave me, right, Tooru?”_
> 
> _Oikawa snorted as if it was a ridiculous question, “Obviously not. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”_
> 
> _Iwaizumi’s bottom lip quivered at the response, “You_ **_promise_** _?” He whispered._
> 
> _“I_ **_promise_** _.”_

 


	4. break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi finally breaks down.
> 
> I wrote the while listening to “Crybaby” from Devilman Crybaby on repeat so o hope it’s angsty enough. I don’t reeally like it. Either way, this will be ending in about two or three more chapters and shit is gonna go down so comment about it plsss

Sometimes, Iwaizumi would get a glimpse of how it felt to be happy. Like when girls would flirt with Oikawa and then Oikawa would immediately come and apologize to Iwaizumi and kiss him on the cheek. Then he’d call him a dumbass for thinking that he’d get upset over that. Or when Oikawa messed up a serve and got flustered, then he, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki would all gang up on him and tease him until he got really pouty and cute. Iwaizumi would really smile at those times.

He wasn’t sure whether or not he should smile right now. It has been two months since he’d last talked to him and he wasn’t sure what to expect.

It was lunch time when Kyoutani has stopped him. They again moved to a more quiet place, and Iwaizumi was slightly worried that Kyoutani might punch him or something. He would have be fine with that, but he knew Oikawa wouldn’t be.

After what seemed like forever, Kyoutani took a deep breath, looking at Iwaizumi with that unceasing glare, “I’m still mad at you,” was how he began.

“You should be,” Iwaizumi responded, his tone low and laced with regret.

“I didn’t want to fuck. I didn’t want you to even kiss me, I’m not... I don’t want that stuff,” Kyoutani’s voice rumbled, despite the nerves he was feeling, “And I know you’re with Oikawa now, but I can tell there’s still something wrong with you.”

Iwaizumi clicked his tongue, afraid that he’d hear that, “What makes you think that?” If anything, the ace just wanted to know so he could better hide it.

Kyoutani was tense, still as a statue as he spoke, “I’ve been looking at you more than anyone on the team. You look stiff, like you’re trying too hard. And you flinch whenever you receive the ball,” he gestured to Iwaizumi’s bandaged wrists, “You’re still cutting, aren’t you?”

Those were the words he dreaded the most. Iwaizumi wished everybody would just forget. That would surely make his life much easier, if everyone would just _forget_ , “What if I am? What can you do about it?” He challenged, hoping it didn’t sound rude, because he honestly didn’t want things to end like they did last time.

“I’ll tell.”

Iwaizumi’s eyes widened, his brow furrowed as he grabbed Kyoutani by his collar, “Don’t you fucking dare.”

“What if I do?” Kyoutani spit back, “What will you do about it?”

His knuckles turned white as they trembled, fingernails digging into his palms. Then he let go and chuckled, “I’ll just kill myself.”

This time Kyoutani’s eyes widened as he gaped at his upperclassmen, “You can’t. I won’t let you.”

“It’s out of your control,” Iwaizumi hissed, turning around and walking away.

Behind him, Kyoutani called out, “You won’t do it! Not as long as you have Oikawa. You’re not that heartless.”

Iwaizumi didn’t stop, didn’t turn around, “Do I really seem like someone who gives a shit anymore?”

———

Practice went by at a painful pace. Kyoutani wouldn’t stop glancing at Iwaizumi, and it was driving the older boy insane. He wanted to just tell him to fuck off and quit being so worried, but he knew it wouldn’t matter either way. After all, Iwaizumi hurt and rejected him and the guy was _still_ this concerned. Perhaps Kyoutani wasn’t as mean and angry and everyone thought. The vice captain quickly dismissed the thought.

“Iwaizumi,” a deep voice and an arm being slung over his shoulder caught him off guard, “Your serves are a looking weak today.”

Iwaizumi frowned, “Didn’t Kindaichi block all of your spikes just now...?”

“Geh! You saw, huh?” Matsukawa pouted.

The ace rolled his eyes and laughed at his friend. When Matsukawa pushed himself closer, Iwaizumi held his breath, “Mattsun....”

The taller boy’s mouth was too close to his face, “We haven’t hooked up in a while. After practice?”

Iwaizumi took a deep breath, clenching and unclenching his fists, “We shouldn’t. I can’t do that to Tooru.”

“He won’t know,” Matsukawa argued, as he did every time. Iwaizumi really wished he hadn’t asked today. He was already feeling shitty after his conversation with Kyoutani.

He felt his muscles relax, though, when he heard, “Iwa-chan! Mattsun!” They both looked up to see their captain striding towards them, “Shouldn’t we be practicing? We don’t have time to slack off if we’re finally going to demolish Ushiwaka at the Spring tournament.”

Iwaizumi quickly shoved Matsukawa’s arm off of him, “I agree. Mattsun was just whining because Kindaichi keeps blocking him.”

“Wha—!”

Oikawa snorted, “Aren’t our first years amazing?” He said in a singsong voice.

“Tooru, let me practice receiving your serves,” Iwaizumi said, already walking away from the two.

“Good idea!”

Iwaizumi could feel Matsukawa staring at him as they left, but he did his best to ignore it.

———

“Hey, what’s up with Mattsun and Mad Dog-chan?” Oikawa questioned as he and Iwaizumi stood alone in the locker room.

“What do you mean?” The ace asked, impressed but not surprised that Oikawa had noticed them acting slightly strange during practice.

The taller boy shrugged, “They seemed... weird. You didn’t notice? Mad Dog-chan especially was looking at you so hard I thought your head might explode!”

Iwaizumi lazily smirked, “Are you sure that’s not an overexaggeration?”

Oikawa pouted, leaning back against the lockers, “Since when do _I_ ever exaggerate?”

The ace rolled his eyes, though he couldn’t help but notice the dark look in Oikawa’s eyes, like he was deep in thought. Iwaizumi sometimes hated how observant his boyfriend could be. After what he told Kyoutani today, the second year was extremely on edge. And this was the first time Iwaizumi rejected Matsukawa, so he was clearly bothered, too. Iwaizumi still wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed. And Oikawa somehow noticed it all.

“Iwa-cha— mn,” Oikawa was about to speak but Iwaizumi interrupted him with a kiss, pushing his body against the taller’s. He cupped the captain’s neck with both hands, kissing him softly. Oikawa gradually molded into the kiss, relaxing and wrapping his arms loosely around Iwaizumi’s waist.

Slowly, Iwaizumi tilted his head upward to break the kiss, leaving a quick peck on Oikawa’s jaw before moving his hands down to the setter’s waist where he held tightly, tucking his head in the junction between his neck and shoulder, as he often did.

“What was that for?” Oikawa inquired, resting his chin on Iwaizumi’s head.

“I can’t just kiss my boyfriend?”

Oikawa frowned and closed his eyes, glad Iwaizumi couldn’t see him, “No, it’s just... you only ever tuck your head in my neck when you're sad,” he said quietly.

Iwaizumi felt like choking. Oikawa wasn’t dumb, as much as the ace sometimes wished he was. Oikawa could see right through him. He saw when Iwaizumi was sad, even when he didn't want him to.

“That’s ridiculous,” Iwaizumi whispered back.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Hajime.”

That’s right, he didn’t have to lie. He didn’t have to hurt himself like this.

So why did it feel like his fate was already decided?

Iwaizumi’s hands clawed into Oikawa’s shirt, “I’m not lying, Tooru.”

“Please don’t lie to me.”

A lump quickly grew in Iwaizumi’s throat as he pressed his face further into the heat of Oikawa’s skin, “I’m not. I’m not lying. I’m not lying. I’m not—“

“Hajime. _Please_ ,” Oikawa’s voice was so soft, softer than he had ever heard it.

Iwaizumi didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to tell the truth. And yet the fat tears were welling up in his eyes, soaking Oikawa’s skin, and he knew he’d been backed into a corner.

He didn’t realize how long he’d been standing, silent tears falling until Oikawa finally spoke again, “Hajime?”

This time, Iwaizumi couldn't contain himself, “I _cheated_ on you Tooru. I cheated on you. W-With Mattsun, too... our _friend_. And I lied to you. You weren’t my first time either. I haven’t been able to even look at you without thinking about it and I feel like vomiting. I can’t stand being near anyone because I just know that they’ll start to see right through me like you do. I’ve been lying to myself and to everyone and I... I... goddammit!” Iwaizumi shouted, his voice already hoarse. His hands clung desperately to Oikawa’s shirt, afraid to let him go.

“I tried to tell myself that I was lying to you to make you happy, but I was fucking wrong. I’m selfish and I let you suffer because I didn’t want to have to talk about it. And I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you and I... I love you so _goddamn_ _much_ it hurts, _Tooru_ , I don’t know what to do.”

Oikawa’s grip on Iwaizumi’s waist tightened, but he said nothing.

“I love you, Tooru. I love you, I swear I do.”

“...I know,” Oikawa finally said, his voice just barely above a whisper and Iwaizumi could easily tell he was struggling not to cry, “You’re _hurt_ , Hajime—“

“No, don’t try and forgive me Tooru, don’t do that to yourself, I don’t deserve it.”

Oikawa took a deep breath as he held Iwaizumi close, “You’re hurt. You know I can’t hate you, and you know I’m going to forgive you.”

“Why?” Iwaizumi’s voice cracked as he tore himself from Oikawa’s arms, glaring at him despite the tears still rolling down his cheeks.

“Because I know you, Hajime. And I know you love me. And I know you’re just in pain and I want to help you,” Oikawa explained, his fists clenched tight as he refrained from pulling Iwaizumi back into a hug, knowing it’d only upset him more.

Iwaizumi shook his head slowly, “I’m going home. I’ll see you tomorrow, Tooru.”

———

Iwaizumi couldn’t breathe. Never in his life had been so worked up. That night, he thought he might actually die as he leaned up against the toilet of his bathroom, vomiting up his guts. Blood was already splattered on the tile floor and he didn’t know how he’d hide the mess tomorrow.

He’d never cut himself like this before. Everything ached so badly that he wished he’d finished himself off then and there. He wasn’t sure what had stopped him.

All he knew was that this would burn. He’d cut only a few inches from his knee, not to mention his hips were nearly covered. He managed to calm down a bit when he’d gotten to his wrists, but he hoped he had enough bandages to cover everything up.

———

“You look like shit,” Matsukawa commented the next day, reaching over to pat Iwaizumi’s shoulder. Before he did so, the ace smacked his hand away.

“Touch me and I’ll fucking kill you,” he hissed, not looking back as he continued to his classroom.

When Hanamaki saw him, he immediately tried to question him, but was quickly dismissed with a few harsh words.

Each step Iwaizumi took, he could feel his skin splitting. He _knew_ he looked like shit. He didn’t _need_ anyone to tell him that.

Oikawa didn’t tell him.

“Iwa-chan, you didn’t wait for me this morning,” he whined as he sat in front of Iwaizumi’s desk. His voice was so sweet that the ace almost felt as if yesterday never happened.

But it did. “Why are you talking to me, Tooru?” He breathed out, struggling to keep eye contact with the captain.

Oikawa pouted, “Why wouldn’t I?” Then his voice suddenly lowered, “Will you come to my place after school today?”

“What about practice?”

“It's our off day, remember?”

Iwaizumi gulped, giving a reluctant nod, “Okay.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go to Oikawa’s house. It was just that he didn’t feel like doing anything at all. He wished he could just go home and lay down and force himself to sleep all day.

———

Come lunchtime, Kyoutani texted Iwaizumi telling him to meet him at the staircase again. Iwaizumi didn’t want to, but he did anyway.

When he got there, Kyoutani was leaning on the wall, arms crossed and glaring at who knows what. When he saw Iwaizumi, he spluttered, “What the fuck happened to you?”

Iwaizumi sighed, “I told you I’d kill myself.”

Kyoutani didn’t know where to begin, “What the fuck.... Did you tell Oikawa? You didn’t actually try to...,” he trailed off, unable to finish.

“Almost,” was all the ace replied with, “What did you want?”

Kyoutani bit his lip, looking furious, “I wanted to check on you.”

Iwaizumi snorted, “Threaten me, you mean?” He wished he wasn’t so mean as he spoke to Kyoutani, but he couldn’t control it.

“You have more bandages.”

“Drop it,” Iwaizumi hissed, “Oikawa knows everything. I **promise** you, soon enough, this will all be gone.”

If only Kyoutani had realized the weight of those words.

———

Oikawa’s room smelled nice. It was cleaner than usual. As soon as Iwaizumi walked in, he sat at the corner of the bed, hugging a pillow to his chest and laying his back on the wall.

Oikawa sat at the other side of the bed, legs crossed, “Hajime, I don’t want to break up.”

Iwaizumi looked at him incredulously, “Are you serious? Tooru, I cheated on you and lied to you, over and over again.”

“I know,” the brunette gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, “Please stop repeating it. I know what you did and I know what I _should_ do. But you’re different Hajime, and I know you didn’t _want_ do any of that; you’re a good person.”

“Believe that if you want,” Iwaizumi spat.

Cautiously, Oikawa crawled over to where Iwaizumi was sitting and placed a hand on his thigh. Iwaizumi didn’t have the energy to stop him, so the captain’s fingers simply trailed up his leg and beneath his shorts until Iwaizumi hissed in pain. Judging by the look in Oikawa’s eyes as he touched the lumpy scars, he was in just as much pain.

“How many are there?” Oikawa asked tentatively, withdrawing his hand.

Iwaizumi wouldn’t respond, so Oikawa took initiative and reached for the hem of the ace’s shirt, hesitantly pulling it upwards even though he didn’t want to see what he knew was there.

Meanwhile, Iwaizumi relaxed and let Oikawa do as he please. Despite the dead look in his eye, every movement hurt like being stabbed with a thousand needles.

“Oh my god, Hajime,” Oikawa gasped as he finally saw the scars littering Iwaizumi’s hips, “Oh my _god_. I thought you’d stopped.”

“Yeah, that’s what Hanamaki thinks, too,” Iwaizumi said with a grimace.

Oikawa looked into Iwaizumi’s eyes, “You know I can’t let this continue.”

The brunette looked like he was about to be sick, so Iwaizumi tugged his shirt back down and gave a stiff nod of his head.

“I know.”

 


	5. improve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT WARNING
> 
> It’s not much, don’t worry
> 
> Two more chapters to be released
> 
> Iwaizumi is getting better?

It had been a month. It had been a whole _month_ since Iwaizumi had last drawn a razor to his skin and he was quite literally itching for it. But he knew he couldn’t. Actually, Oikawa had come to his house and rid his room of any razors and sharp objects in general.

He’d often scratch at his wrists when he felt stressed, but he kept them bandaged so he could never actually open the scars back up. Occasionally he’d flick a rubber band against his wrist, which Oikawa didn’t mind too much.

Overall... he was getting better, on the outside at least. He still felt horrible and was desperate for any way to hurt himself again.

 

“Mattsun, did you eat my creampuffs?” Hanamaki growled as the third years sat together for lunch.

Mattsun smiled guiltily, “Shit, sorry. I mean you left them on my desk, so–“

“Are you fucking kidding me? My fucking creampuffs, I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

Iwaizumi sat silently beside Oikawa as his friends bickered on the other side of the table. Things had been, as he expected, awkward for a while. Oikawa had tried his best to ignore that his boyfriend had cheated on him with their best friend, but it wasn’t that easy. Not long after Iwaizumi has admitted it, they were in practice when Matsukawa had come a little too close for comfort. He wasn’t even trying to make a move, he seemed apologetic even, but at soon as Oikawa had seen them, he blew up in the middle of practice and yelled at Matsukawa. The team was stunned, and now everyone knew about what had happened between them. Iwaizumi was humiliated, but it was his fault to begin with.

“O-One of you back me up,” Matsukawa begged as Hanamaki looked close to strangling him.

Oikawa smirked, “Shouldn’t have eaten his fucking creampuffs.”

Iwaizumi might have laughed, had it been a few months ago, when spending times with his friends was still light hearted and fun.

———

With the spring tournament coming up in only two weeks, Iwaizumi buried himself in practice. He found it to be a good distraction, one that was less self-destructive. Physically, at least.

Even as he played alongside Oikawa, he could only ever think about how inadequate he was. How he didn’t deserve to be the ace of his team, or to be the vice captain, or to be so relied on, or to even play with someone as devoted as Oikawa. He’d never had these thoughts before. He’d always been humble, but confident in his skills as both a player and leader.

Now every spike felt weak and every receive felt unsteady. The accuracy of his serves fell and he couldn’t even think straight about the game.

To Iwaizumi’s dismay, Kyoutani took notice of this.

“You were in the perfect position to receive that ball, how’d you mess that up?” The second year scowled as he spoke to Iwaizumi after their practice match.

Iwaizumi shrugged, “What makes you so confident in your skills, Kyoutani? You screw up lots of spikes and yet you still play harder than anyone.”

Kyoutani frowned, as if he didn’t quite understand the question, “I play to spike the ball. That’s it.”

Iwaizumi breathed out a laugh. Of course he couldn’t expect to get any kind of advice from Kyoutani. He began to walk away when his stomach let out a loud wailing noise, causing him to wince.

The blonde glared at him, “The hell was that?”

“Forgot to bring lunch,” Iwaizumi mumbled, somewhat embarrassed.

“You’re not starving yourself are you?”

Iwaizumi scoffed, “You always assume the worst in me, don’t you?”

Kyoutani didn’t react, he merely responded, saying, “Well, after the shit you’ve done, I’ve lost all faith in you.”

At that, Iwaizumi couldn’t even argue. Kyoutani was right. And he’d fucking lied, he had skipped all his meals today. And it hurt like hell. He wasn’t going to starve himself, but he’d skip some meals if it meant he could feel the same exhilirating pain.

It was Oikawa who left him no choice.

———

As Iwaizumi lay on his bed, sore from practice, he traced his fingers over the old scars on his thighs. They still burned to touch.

Pulling out his phone, he called Oikawa, who picked up on the first ring.

“Hello~” Oikawa’s tone was cheerful; it wasn’t often that Iwaizumi called him first.

“Hey. Do you wanna come over?” He asked, skipping past any small talk.

“Of course!” Oikawa replied quickly, “I finished my homework so I’m bored~! I’ll be there in ten minutes!”

“Cool. See you.”

“See you!”

Iwaizumi hung up the phone and buried his face into his pillow. He knew exactly why he called Oikawa, and it wasn’t to have his loving boyfriend cheer him up.

Perhaps it was wrong to use a loved one as a means of self harm, but Iwaizumi was past the point of no return.

  
True to his word, Iwaizumi heard the door open downstairs after about ten minutes and Oikawa’s voice called out him to say he was coming upstairs. He’d almost forgotten that he gave Oikawa a key to his home. As soon as the brunette entered his bedroom, Iwaizumi threw his arms in the air, and Oikawa happily jumped into them, apologizing at the quiet grunt from the ace.

“You wanted to see me that badly, huh?” Oikawa beamed.

Iwaizumi laughed, “Shut up,” he huffed, “I wanna do it.”

Oikawa grinned, “And his true intentions are revealed!” He joked, but leaned in to press his mouth against Iwaizumi’s, immediately pushing his tongue past the other’s lips.

Iwaizumi responded quickly, groping at Oikawa’s ass as he pushed his body up and flipped over so that he could push his boyfriend into the mattress. As the brunette’s hand started to drag up his thigh, Iwaizumi abruptly pushed away. He pulled off his shirt and let it fall to the ground, the setter sitting up to quickly do the same.

As Oikawa unbuttoned his pants, Iwaizumi took them and pulled them and his underwear down in one swift motion, crouching down to place wet kisses over his lover’s hip bone.

Oikawa nudged him with his toe, “Quit teasing me and take yours off,” he said quietly as his stomach tightened and relaxed with each kiss Iwaizumi placed.

The ace complied, sliding off the bed to pull down his own trousers. Oikawa smirked at him, though his lustful gaze faltered as it landed on Iwaizumi’s scarred lower half.

“What’s wrong?” Iwaizumi inquired, noticing the slight change in his boyfriend’s expression.

Oikawa shook his head and reached out to grab the ace’s hand, “Nothing. We just haven’t done this in a while,” he said with a faint smile.

Iwaizumi didn’t smile back as he took Oikawa’s hand and sat in front of him on the bed, “Please don’t look at them. Keep yours eyes up here,” he whispered softly, cupping Oikawa’s cheek and pressing their foreheads together.

“M’sorry,” Oikawa apologized, nodding his head slowly and closing his eyes.

Iwaizumi took the chance to push Oikawa down on the bed again, grabbing his pillow to place it beneath the brunette’s hips. Oikawa reached into the drawer beside him for lube and condoms; one for Iwaizumi and one for himself because he didn't like the mess.

“Relax,” Iwaizumi’s voice was husky in the heat of the moment. After lathering his fingers with lube, he moved to suck at Oikawa’s shoulder, feeling the tenseness of his muscles. Slowly, Iwaizumi let one finger push inside, causing Oikawa to exhale heavily through his nose as he finally relaxed into his boyfriend’s care.

For a while everything was a blur; it felt so rushed as he worked his boyfriend open. Oikawa’s quiet mewls and smirks made Iwaizumi’s heart beat, but his whole body felt numb. Except for his dick, thankfully.

It wasn’t until Oikawa got impatient, wrapping his legs around Iwaizumi and hugging his neck, forcing the ace to finally shove his cock inside, “Please, hurry up,” Oikawa begged, his back arching and toes curling from the sensation.

Iwaizumi wanted to give him time, but Oikawa’s chest was heaving in anticipation as he glared weakly. Pulling halfway out, he bucked his hips forward, the brunette emitting a particularly loud moan, “I-Iwa,” he shuddered.

Setting a rhythm, Iwaizumi bit down on his lip as he felt Oikawa’s nails raking at his back. He must’ve noticed what he was doing, however, as his arms flopped to his side to grip onto the sheets. Iwaizumi grunted, missing the sting of his nails.

Grabbing Oikawa by his thighs, Iwaizumi leaned back and held tightly to the captain’s legs as he drove into him faster, more forcefully, the brunette gasping at the obscene smack of Iwaizumi’s hips against his ass.

Iwaizumi finally allowed himself to release a loud moan as his hips and thighs burned with each slap. He could feel every individual scar sting with each thrust. Glancing up to see if Oikawa had noticed, he was relieved to see that the brunette had turned his head to press his mouth into the sheets, muffling his voice, too distracted by his own bliss.

The sight of Oikawa’s pleasured face, the heat of their bodies, the sting of his scars, the tremble of Oikawa’s legs that told Iwaizumi he was close, all of it hit Iwaizumi hard and he felt his chest tighten. Propping his lover’s knees over his shoulders, Iwaizumi leaned down to pull Oikawa’s mouth away from the bed, the taller boy immediately screaming as he did so, the feeling of being bent over overwhelming him. All the while Iwaizumi fucked him ruthlessly, the mattress creaking beneath him and Oikawa letting out strings of curses and moans, “Fuck, Tooru,” he groaned.

With one last thrust, Oikawa rolled his hips forward as he came, his blissed out expression causing Iwaizumi to finally release, lightly kissing the setter’s knee as he did so.

Both of them panting heavily, Iwaizumi finally pulled out of Oikawa and let his legs fall back to the bed. Chuckling, he pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead, “You’re so loud. You know my parents are home, right?”

Oikawa gasped sharply, “What? Iwa-chan! Why didn’t you tell me?” He covered his bright red face with his hands, “Oh my god, there’s _no_ way they didn’t hear us.”

Iwaizumi snorted, pulling off and tossing his condom, doing the same for Oikawa, “They had to find out we were together sometime.”

The brunette tore his hands away and sat up to properly glare at Iwaizumi, “This is literally the _worst_ way for them to find out. This is _humiliating_.”

Iwaizumi replied with a sly smirk, “But its way sexier hearing you scream like that.”

Oikawa pouted, narrowing his eyes for only a moment before his head fell onto Iwaizumi’s shoulder, “Oh my _god_ , Hajime,” he groaned in embarrassment.

Hugging his boyfriend close, Iwaizumi laughed, “Sorry. I’ll warn you next time. They’ll probably yell at me as soon as you leave.”

“You deserve it. Meanie,” Oikawa couldn’t help but break into a smile, despite still being mortified.

Iwaizumi grabbed Oikawa by the shoulders and lifted them up to face each other, then peppered kisses all over his face, “Come on. Let’s get dressed.”

Oikawa crossed his arms stubbornly, “My ass hurts. Do it for me.”

Rolling his eyes, Iwaizumi stood from the bed to throw Oikawa his boxers. The brunette frowned at him, but pulled them on anyway. The ace put his on, too, then sat down beside his boyfriend again.

“They’re red,” Oikawa pointed out, frowning at Iwaizumi’s red thighs and hips.

Iwaizumi cleared his throat, “It’s fine. Doesn’t hurt.” It hurt. It was stinging and Iwaizumi loved it like that.

“Are you lying to me?” Oikawa asked, barely above a whisper.

The ace gulped, forced a smile, “Why would I lie about that?”

“You’ve lied before.”

Iwaizumi gritted his teeth and his jaw ached, “That’s—“

“Sorry,” Oikawa interrupted, “I believe you.”

Iwaizumi nodded his head stiffly, afraid to look Oikawa in the eye. He knew if he did, his lie would be painfully obvious, “Thanks,” he croaked out.

Oikawa smiled at him, then tackled him down on the bed, “Hey, Iwa-chan.”

“Mm?” Iwaizumi shifted so that they were laying next to each other in their side.

The setter placed a hand on Iwaizumi’s waist, caressing it gently, “You’re really handsome, you know that?”

“Am I?”

“Mhm. You’re strict, but sweet. You’re buff, but still adorable. How’d I get so lucky?” Oikawa doted, his fingertips tapping lightly on Iwaizumi’s waist, up to his chest and then stopping at his collarbone. Oikawa always treated him so gently, like he thought Iwaizumi was fragile. No, more like he _knew_ Iwaizumi was fragile.

Iwaizumi wanted to say that that was ridiculous, that Oikawa was the perfect one, that he was lucky to have Oikawa on his side. But all he could choke out was, “Why? All I ever do is cause problems. You could do way better than me.”

Oikawa raised an eyebrow, as if Iwaizumi was making a joke, “But I don’t want just anyone. Iwa-chan is the only one for me. And you don’t cause problems.”

The shorter boy looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

“Stop living in the past. I know there’s no erasing what you did. And yeah, things might be weird right now but we’re _trying_ ,” Oikawa balled up his fist, clearly struggling to not get too worked up, “And I know it’s hard for you, Hajime, but I promise you it’s for the best. You’re not the only one who’s hurting. I just want to help you, but I can’t if you won’t tell me anything.”

Iwaizumi bowed his head, ashamed at the truth of Oikawa’s words. What could he possibly say to that? He knew he was being selfish and he knew that if he tried hard enough life would get easier... but how could he possibly explain to him that he didn’t want that? How could he sit there and tell his boyfriend, who forgave him and helped him and stayed with him at his worst, that he didn’t _have_ the will the be happy again?

“Hajime, we’re working through this. You and me. You need to—“

“I hate it when you treat me like that,” Iwaizumi cut him off, Oikawa’s every word piercing him to the core, telling him things that he couldn’t accept, “I hate it when you treat me like I’m going to break. I know what I _need_ to do to get better, but I just... I don’t want to, Tooru. Or I don’t... I don’t know how to want to get better.... It’s all so confusing. No sane person wants stay miserable, right?”

Oikawa gulped, “You’re not insane. You need to get help, and—“

Iwaizumi squeezed his eyes shut as Oikawa’s advice echoed in his mind, giving him a pounding headache, “I already told you I know what I need. But I don’t deserve the help. Why should I feel happy knowing how much I’ve betrayed you? And how much I’ve hurt Hanamaki and Kyoutani, hell, even Matsukawa! What am I supposed to do then?” Iwaizumi took a deep breath, trying to compose himself as he continued, “It did hurt, Tooru. You took away my razors so I used you make the scars sting again. Because looking at you always keeps me grounded and reminds me that I’m just a piece of shit. Why don’t you just fucking drop me already?” He finally opened his eyes again, only to see Oikawa reaching out to him, carefully cupping the back of his head as he pulled the ace to his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Oikawa whispered as he cradled Iwaizumi’s head against him.

And Iwaizumi couldn’t say anything. He could only sit there and wonder why. Why did Oikawa let himself be abused like this? Why was it fair to waste his time and energy with this?

Why didn’t he kill himself five months ago, when Hanamaki walked into that club room and saw the scars on his hips?

———

“Iwa-chan, you’re not eating with us?” Oikawa asked as he stood with Hanamaki and Matsukawa.

Iwaizumi shook his head, “I told Kyoutani I’d eat with him.” Actually, Iwaizumi was the one who asked Kyoutani to sit with him for lunch. He didn’t want to be around the others.

Oikawa nodded, looking somewhat sad, but he didn’t question the ace anymore as he left to meet Kyoutani.

Meeting at that stairwell had become something of a regular occurrence to Iwaizumi and Kyoutani. Sometimes it was to talk, sometimes it was to just get away from the others.

“Yahaba has been bothering me about liking you,” Kyoutani said while scarfing down the chicken he was eating, “He won’t leave me alone.”

“Maybe you should just tell him,” Iwaizumi suggested, as he opened his own lunch, feeling particularly hungry after skipping so many meals yesterday.

Kyoutani scoffed, “No thanks. What about you?”

Iwaizumi swallowed down his food and sighed, “Got into something like a disagreement with Oikawa yesterday.”

“What about?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t be stubborn.”

Iwaizumi chuckled, “You’re more stubborn than me.”

“Shut up. I don’t want to hear that from you,” Kyoutani retorted.

Normally, Iwaizumi would’ve scolded him for being disrespectful, but after Kyoutani treated him so strangely and carefully for so long... it was nice to have the aggressive and angry Kyoutani back for a change.

With a small smile, Iwaizumi let himself relax and enjoy the rest of his lunch in silence.

———

Iwaizumi didn’t want to, but saying no to Oikawa always proved to be a difficult task.

So that’s why half his team was crowded into his house, laughing and yelling and tossing soda cans onto the floor. Honestly, how did he let Oikawa talk him into this?

“Makki!” He barked, “You better pick up your damn trash or I’m kicking you out!”

Hanamaki smirked back at him, “Calm down, _mom_.”

Iwaizumi glared at him, and clenched his fists, and Hanamaki must’ve gotten the message because he quickly knelt down to pick up his soda can and toss it in the garbage.

With a loud sigh, Iwaizumi flopped back into his seat, letting his arms hang off the side. It was just an ordinary weekend, so why did they feel the need to come on over and trash his house? Looking around, he saw that Oikawa was laughing wildly with Yahaba and Hanamaki seemed to be teasing Kindaichi about something. Iwaizumi, though, sat by himself. He couldn’t really talk to Matsukawa, and Kyoutani of course hadn’t showed up, so he was bored. All he had to do was watch everyone else.

The ace was quickly snapped out of his daze when someone’s back collided with his arm, causing him to yelp in pain, “Fuck!” He choked out, gritting his teeth to hide how much it actually fucking hurt. His wrists were the most sensitive, even now.

“Ah! Sorry Iwaizumi!” Watari apologized, a clueless look on his face because he didn’t know what he’d just done.

Oikawa must’ve noticed, as he was now crouching beside Iwaizumi, “You okay?” He inquired, his tone carefully casual because Iwaizumi made it very clear to him that he didn’t like to be babied.

With a deep breath, Iwaizumi nodded and stood from his seat, Oikawa standing up next to him, “Yeah. I’m going to my room.”

Oikawa pouted a mischievous pout as he grabbed his boyfriend’s hands and swung their arms around, “Come on Iwa-chan, it’s good for you to loosen up every once in a while!”

Iwaizumi is stubborn, though, and he simply threw his head back in exasperation, walking backward towards his bedroom and dragging Oikawa along with him, “I’m fine, but thanks.”

As they arrived at his bedroom door, Oikawa was still pouting as he squeezed Iwaizumi’s hands, “You should at least _try_ and have fun with us. You need it more than anyone.”

The shorter male gnawed on his lip. He appreciated what Oikawa tried to do for him, but most of the time he just really didn’t want it, “I didn’t ask for a party,” he responded in a low voice.

“But this is for you, to make you feel better! Come on, Iwa-chan~!” Oikawa whined, pulling lightly on Iwaizumi’s hands in a weak attempt to get him back to where everyone was.

“Well I didn’t ask for it,” Iwaizumi snapped, “You should know this isn’t my thing anyway, so if you want to enjoy _your_ party, be my guest, but I’m going to my room.”

Oikawa deflated almost immediately, his lips falling into a dejected frown and his grip on Iwaizumi’s hands loosening, “Right, I know, I’m sor—“

“No,” Iwaizumi sighed, interrupting him, “It’s fine, you’re trying to help and I appreciate it.”

Giving a slow nod, Oikawa intertwined their fingers together, “I just... you **promised** me you’d at least try and brighten up so I thought...,” the captain trailed off, unsure what he thought exactly.

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, “I probably made you feel bummed out, and you threw this party for yourself, thinking it was for me, right?” He finished for Oikawa.

Oikawa sighed, then groaned, “Fuck, sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Don’t worry, I enjoyed seeing you have fun, at least. It’s been a while,” Iwaizumi whispered.

Oikawa offered a small smile in response, still only feeling guilt.

Irritated, but always forgiving, Iwaizumi brought Oikawa’s hands up to his lips and kissed his knuckle, “Just make sure they’re all gone before midnight. And it better be spotless out there.”

With a light chuckle, Oikawa nodded, “Yes, sir!”

———

After everything, life went on like a routine. Iwaizumi woke up everyday wishing he stayed asleep. He dragged himself out of bed to get ready and put on a smile for Oikawa. He went about his school day normally, occasionally eating lunch with Kyoutani. During practice, he’d pour everything he had into it, since this was their last chance to finally get to nationals. Then he would go home to study and practice more, sometimes with Oikawa and sometimes alone.

Iwaizumi used to think having a routine was comforting and healthy, but now it only made him feel empty.

Even so, he survived until the fated match between Aoba Johsai and Karasuno.


	6. peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry. 
> 
> Not everyone gets the happy ending they deserve.
> 
> WARNING: slight non con

“DAMMIT! _DAMMIT_!” Iwaizumi remembered how loud he had yelled when he got home after that game. He remembered slamming his fists on the door until they were bruised and splintered and bleeding. His parents came out to try and comfort him but that only made him cry out more because he was sure they didn’t really care about the game. They knew how important volleyball was to him, yet they didn’t even bother to ask him about it, or even go to it. He screamed and screamed until his throat was raw and the snot was running down his face and dried with the tears and it hurt so _bad_. He cried so much that night and was so light headed he had to lay on his bed without changing just so he wouldn’t pass out.

It had been two weeks since Aoba Johsai lost to Karasuno. The game that ended his chance to beat Shiratorizawa and go to nationals. He and Oikawa worked so hard, through injuries and tears and exhaustion… for this?

Every day since then passed painfully, like he was walking on thorns. He was late to meeting Oikawa and walking to school because it took him thirty minutes just to will himself out of bed.

Oikawa asked him over and over to tell him what was wrong, what Iwaizumi needed, if he wanted to hang out or go on a date or _anything_. But Iwaizumi always declined.

For the past six months, it’s been failures and lies and self destruction and cheating and crying and, well… Iwaizumi had to draw the line somewhere.

———

“Hey, come with me,” Iwaizumi mumbled, grabbing Oikawa by his wrist and pulling him into the bathroom right before class was starting.

The brunette tried to resist, “You’re gonna make us late for our class,” he protested, as if Iwaizumi actually cared about that.

As they entered the bathroom, Iwaizumi shoved him in a stall and locked the door, pushing Oikawa against the wall and smashing their lips together. It was rough, teeth clacking as the taller boy gasped, grabbing and yanking on Iwaizumi’s tie.

“S-stop,” Oikawa breathed out, his request made in vain.

Oikawa slapped Iwaizumi’s shoulder repeatedly as his other hand was still gripping tightly to his boyfriend’s tie. Iwaizumi was relentless, though, as he pushed himself against the brunette. It took Oikawa all his strength to push the other off him, breathing heavily and glaring, “What the hell? This isn’t the time...!”

Iwaizumi tightened his jaw, grabbing Oikawa’s waist and bringing their hips together, “I know, but I really want you right now, please Tooru,” he said through gritted teeth.

Oikawa winced at the strong hold on his waist. He wasn’t quite sure what his boyfriend wanted until he felt Iwaizumi’s hand slide from his waist and to his belt, “Iwa-chan, I really don’t want to. Plus we don’t have condoms or–“

“It’s fine,” Iwaizumi interjected, “It’s fine,” he repeated as he pulled Oikawa by his waist and twisted him around, shoving him forward so he was leaning on the top of the toilet.

“Stop it, Hajime,” Oikawa hissed, trying to stay calm and quiet so no one outside could hear them. He attempted to move away, but Iwaizumi had a firm grip on his hips as one hand reached forward to unbuckle his belt, “Stop!”

Iwaizumi sighed, leaning down to kiss Oikawa’s neck with soft, gentle lips, “It’s okay, baby,” he whispered, moving to unzip the brunette’s pants, pulling them down slowly.

As he did so, Oikawa trembled ever so slightly as he let out a few quiet protests, which his boyfriend continued to ignore. It’s not like he was afraid Iwaizumi would hurt him, he thought maybe he was just really horny, at least until the ace said the word ‘baby.’ Oikawa knew Iwaizumi pretty well, and his boyfriend never used names like that unless he was particularly stressed out about something, “Hajime, if  something is wrong, then, ack!”

Oikawa was interrupted as his pants and briefs were roughly pulled down around his knees. The brunette nearly toppled over at the movement, steadying himself by grabbing onto the toilet seat. He grimaced at the cold surface, trying not to think about how dirty it was, “Wait, slow down,” he grumbled. He tried to pick himself back up, but was interrupted.

Iwaizumi bent down and spit onto Oikawa’s entrance, causing the captain to squeak and hold tightly to both the top of the toilet and the seat, “Relax,” Iwaizumi whispered, pushing a finger inside.

But Oikawa couldn’t relax, he wasn’t in the mood, he was worried about his boyfriend because he was usually never so rough like this, and holding onto the toilet was making him feel a little sick, “I’m trying,” he choked out, feeling helpless against Iwaizumi’s hands. Something told him that trying to resist would only be harder.

Iwaizumi didn’t reply as he stretched Oikawa open, unzipping his pants to squeeze his semi-erect cock.

“I… I love you, Hajime,” Oikawa whimpered, biting hard on his lip. It was all he could think to say.

“I love you, too, Tooru. I love you, I love you, I love you,” Iwaizumi repeated the phrase so many times that Oikawa lost count. The words were soon drowned out with each thrust. Iwaizumi stuffed his fingers into Oikawa’s mouth to quiet him.

The air was heavy. Iwaizumi knew this wasn’t the normal, comforting, loving sex he treasured. And Oikawa knew it, too.

But there wasn’t time for that.

———

Iwaizumi leaned against the wall of the gym, sliding down until he was sitting on the ground. His mind was blank as he slouched and buried his face in one hand. He didn’t feel like going to class. It’d be pointless anyway.

He sat there for a long time until the  silence was disturbed by some loud footsteps. Someone was stomping into the gym, grumbling swiftly and angrily. Iwaizumi lifted his head to see Kyoutani just in time as the second year was slamming his bag on to the ground, cursing as he did so.

“...Hey,” Iwaizumi finally said, almost laughing when Kyoutani jumped violently, startled by the older boy’s voice.

“What are you... doing here?” Kyoutani asked, his voice suddenly very quiet. His eyes seemed to be on fire, but somehow the rest of his face was downcast.

Iwaizumi shrugged, grunting as he stood up, “Didn’t want to go to class,” he replied.

Kyoutani didn’t respond. He looked like he wanted to, but instead he gulped and clenched his fists. Taking a deep breath, his jaw tensed and relaxed and he looked down.

“Are you–“

Before Iwaizumi could finish his question, Kyoutani rushed towards him. He thought the blonde was going to hit him or something, which is why he was surprised when strong arms were suddenly wrapped around him, Kyoutani’s head falling to rest on his shoulder.

Iwaizumi didn’t know what to do. Kyoutani was an aggressive and unaffectionate person, so he didn’t know what to think. All he could do was awkwardly move his arms up to pat the younger’s back.

They sat their for a few minutes, Kyoutani’s grip on Iwaizumi’s jacket tightening and then loosening every once in a while. Finally, he let go of the third year and stepped back. He didn’t look up as he said, “My dog died last night.”

He said it so quietly, Iwaizumi barely heard him, “O-Oh. I’m sorry....”

“I was telling Yahaba when some fucker I got into a fight with once heard us and started making jokes. I was gonna punch him but Yahaba stopped me, so I came here,” he explained, still not looking up.

Even with the explanation, Iwaizumi didn’t know what to say to him. He used to be good at giving advice and comfort, but this was kind of strange, “What an asshole,” he replied.

Kyoutani nodded his head, “She was my best friend,” he muttered.

“...I’m so sorry Kyoutani. I know it must hurt, it’s okay to be angry,” Iwaizumi whispered with sincerity, and the blonde finally looked up at him. His eyes were glossy, but he wasn’t going to cry.

“Thanks, Iwaizumi.”

The pang in Iwaizumi’s chest hurt more than words could explain.

———

Iwaizumi headed to the club room early as he usually did. When he got there, Oikawa was already inside. The captain was staring blankly at his locker. When he saw Iwaizumi, he spared him a small smile, then continued to gaze expressionlessly at his locker.

Seeing Oikawa there made Iwaizumi struggle to breathe for a second and it felt like someone was holding his heart in their hand. With a deep breath, Iwaizumi walked over to Oikawa and wrapped his arms around the brunette’s neck, standing on his toes just a bit so he could tuck his nose in the curls of his boyfriend’s lovely hair.

“I’m sorry for this morning Tooru. I wasn’t thinking straight. I should’ve listened to you and you probably got in trouble because of me,” the ace admitted.

To his relief, Oikawa returned his embrace and leaned in so his warm cheek was against Iwaizumi’s, “It’s okay, Iwa-chan. It wasn’t all that bad.”

Iwaizumi frowned, his shoulders sagging, “That’s means it was mostly bad.”

“Well, you didn’t listen to me and that was annoying. If I tell you to stop, then stop,” Oikawa ordered, and Iwaizumi nodded in agreement, “But... I was surprisingly turned on by the roughness. I’m used to you being gentle.”

With a quiet chuckle, Iwaizumi snuggled closer into Oikawa’s hair, “Pervykawa. I’m still sorry.”

Oikawa smiled, “Don’t worry about it. If you want to experiment again, let’s do it on a bed. I don’t really like the toilet.” Iwaizumi gave another nod at that.

They didn’t have time for much else because the rest of the team started to file into the club room to change into their clothes. Iwaizumi let go of Oikawa to turn to his locker to get dressed.

As he pulled off his jacket and tie, Hanamaki walked beside him to change. His wide eyes didn’t go unnoticed by Iwaizumi; it had been a long time since he changed in front of everyone.

But today it didn’t matter. When Iwaizumi finally pulled off his shirt, both Hanamaki and Oikawa gasped. The bandages were gone. He didn’t need them. The scars had long since closed up, and he had no reason to hide them anymore. He even noticed Matsukawa glancing at him with a pained look.

“Don’t act like you’ve never seen them before,” he told the three of them as he continued to dress, not sparing them a glance. They must’ve felt bad or something, because all three of them looked away immediately to continue changing.

———

Practice went as he expected. Everyone was glancing at the scars on his wrist in horror. Iwaizumi almost felt bad, but he didn’t really care anymore. Still, he could tell that they were trying their best to not look, as much as they surely wanted. It was a kind gesture. Well, except Kyoutani, who looked at them shamelessly, which earned him a smack on the head from Yahaba. Kyoutani has gotten closer to him and Watari after the match against Karasuno, and Iwaizumi was glad to see that, at least.

As everyone was taking a break, Iwaizumi jogged over to Hanamaki. Without even getting a word in, Hanamaki said, “You were lying to me about cutting, weren’t you?”

Iwaizumi wore a sheepish smile, “How did you know?”

“I know how scars work. If you stopped when you said you did, then those scars on your wrists would be much more faded.”

The ace hummed, “Yeah. Sorry.”

Hanamaki turned to him, his face completely serious, “You **promised** me you stopped.”

Iwaizumi looked down at his feet, “Yeah.... I broke a lot of **promises**. But after today, I won’t be or breaking any more. And I can **promise** you that.”

Hanamaki smiled at that, punching Iwaizumi lightly on the shoulder, “I’m glad.”

———

As the team lined up to do twenty serves before being able to leave practice, Iwaizumi made sure to stand behind Matsukawa.

“Geez, we still have to go to practice even though we lost?” Matsukawa groaned, stretching his back.

“It’s for our underclassmen. Watari  looked ready to cry when we talked about leaving,” Iwaizumi responded with a sigh.

Matsukawa let out a low chuckle, “I guess you’re right.”

They were silent for a minute as Iwaizumi tried to find the courage to say what he wanted.

Finally, he said, “Mattsun... I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused you. We’ve all been awkward since then and I feel bad.”

Matsukawa looked dumbfounded as he gaped at the ace, “Iwaizumi, that’s not your fault. I... I came onto you.”

“Not the first time. I could’ve stopped sooner, but I chose not to.”

“Me too. Then it’s both our faults?”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, “I guess so. I just don’t want you and Oikawa to be weird around each other after we graduate. Just remember that.”

Matsukawa looked a little confused, but if he was, he ignored it and just nodded.

———

“You look weird,” Oikawa commented as he and Iwaizumi walked home together.

“Excuse me?” Iwaizumi growled back, glaring at the brunette who merely laughed.

Shrugging, Oikawa tapped on his chin in thought, “Not bad weird. Just different. What’s up?”

Iwaizumi looked curiously at the ground. What was different? He definitely felt different. He was about to answer that he wasn’t sure, when a thought struck him and he said, “I just feel at peace I suppose. Like everything is finally gonna be okay.”

Oikawa smiled brightly, “That makes me so happy to hear,” he said, skipping a little.

Watching him made Iwaizumi’s heart flutter, “Yeah, it’s nice,” he agreed.

They didn’t say much as they continued their walk, but Oikawa was grinning and humming the whole time. When they finally reached Iwaizumi’s house, the brunette turned his head and grinned impossibly wider, then leaned in to press a kiss against Iwaizumi’s forehead, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi smiled back, nodded his head, “Right.”

As he turned to walk through his gate and into his home, his smile fell. As he walked up through the hallways and into his room, he shook his head, “Being at peace isn’t the same as being happy,” he whispered.

Opening the door to his room, he let out a long sigh. Part of him was nervous, and he started to fear that he was making the wrong decision, while the other part of him was confident. He’s been thinking about this for six months.

Iwaizumi closed the door. He walked slowly to his bed, every step heavy as if he’d been doused in water. As he sat on the bed, leaning back and resting his head on the pillow, he wondered how he got here. How long has he felt like this? Six months ago, Hanamaki found out, but how much had he hurt himself before that? If no one found out, would he be right here, right now? Or would he have been long gone?

_Why did he feel like this?_

Iwaizumi thought back as far as he could. He was a happy kid — hard-headed and adventurous and always challenging himself. Oikawa was always by his side. So at what point did that change?

Throwing an arm over his eyes, Iwaizumi sunk deeper into his thoughts. He remembered watching Oikawa throw himself into volleyball, overworking himself just to be better. He remembered when he stopped him from slapping Kageyama and yelled at him. He remembered having to be there for Oikawa because Oikawa didn’t know when to stop and _someone_ had to be there to support him.

So, what? Was Oikawa truly the root of his problems? Did Iwaizumi worry so much for his friend that he lost himself in the process?

Every day, he felt lonelier and more hopeless because he felt so empty. He wanted to be so strong for everyone else that his heart and mind became weak to his own problems.

He helped other people because he couldn’t help himself.

Maybe.

Iwaizumi wasn’t entirely sure. What he was sure of was that he couldn’t take it anymore. He’d dug his own grave in the past six months. He broke his **promises** and his words were laced with double meanings as to steer others away.

He wasn’t sure when he started crying, but his cheeks were wet and all he could think of was how dearly he loved Oikawa, and how sincerely he missed his friendship with Matsukawa, and how greatly he appreciated Hanamaki, and how deeply he cared for Kyoutani.

Somehow none of those feelings could overrule how much he hated himself.

So that’s why when he picked himself up, and opened his drawer to get the letters he had stored in there, he cried even more.

Maybe this was a horrible decision. But even if it was, he wasn’t going to leave without a few goodbyes and apologies.

Maybe it was cruel to leave them all with these letters, but Iwaizumi had always been an overachiever, and his conscience, despite being torn up and broken, wouldn’t let him leave without writing them.

Iwaizumi tossed the letters onto his bed and took a deep breath. This was it. He couldn’t be having any regrets now.

He walked into the closet and reached up to retrieve the noose he’d hidden on the corner of the top shelf. It had been there since Oikawa threw the party at his house.

Looking up at the ceiling, Iwaizumi squinted at the loose board up there. He could reach in and tie the rope there, but he hoped it would hold.

And so he dragged his desk chair over, tying the rope and wrapping the noose around his neck. He remembered the box cutter under his pillow, but he was scared that that method might fail. It was his back up.

The rope was tight against his neck, and it hurt when he gulped. When he turned his head, he looked at the framed picture of him and Oikawa on their first date.

He smiled.

And then he kicked his chair out from beneath him.


	7. letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reactions to iwaizumi's death
> 
>  
> 
> (hey guys, i totally lost all inspiration for this fic, and im very sorry for this pathetic excuse of an update. next chapter will be a short angsty thing that's less of an alternate ending and more of a what could've happened. again, sorry, and thank you for sticking around)

 

His parents were devastated. When they got home that day, his father went to change out of his suit, and his mother started dinner. They called to their son, but there was no response, so his mother decided to get him, assuming he was asleep.

 

She knocked lightly on the door, then cracked it open. She didn’t see him on his bed, so she opened the door further. There she saw her son, collapsed on the floor, pieces of ceiling on his back as he lay still. A sharp inhale of breath and she fell to her knees, crawling over to her son and moving the wood off from on top of him.

 

He didn’t stir when she flipped him over, shaking him and screaming, “Hajime! Hajime!” as she cried, fat tears falling from her eyes and to his face.

 

His father heard the commotion and ran upstairs, bursting into the room and falling beside his wife, gazing at his son with blank eyes. Then he hunched over, the tears finally hitting him, too, as he cradled his son in his arms, screaming out his name while his wife sobbed in their lifeless son’s chest.

 

His letter to them hurt more, even as it explained how much he loved them and appreciated them. Even as he explained his battle with depression and the events of his life leading up to this. He told them that he was sorry for disappointing them, and that he hoped they’d be able to move on from him.

 

Oblivious to their son’s self harm and depression, well, how could they possibly move on from this guilt that they felt?

 

———

 

When Matsukawa got his letter, he didn’t go to practice for a week. Every time he got home he locked himself in his room and laid on his bed, barely able to sleep, unable to work, filled only with thoughts of Iwaizumi.

 

Yeah, he’d been attracted to Iwaizumi since he met him that first year at Aoba Johsai. But anyone with eyes could see that he was in love with Oikawa. So Matsukawa buried his feelings deep. It’s not like it was a crush or anything, he just thought the guy was cute.

 

But Matsukawa couldn’t get the feeling of Iwaizumi’s skin out of his head. Ever since the first time they hooked up, he’d gotten so hopeful, too hopeful in fact. He knew it was wrong, he knew he should’ve stopped, he knew that Oikawa and Iwaizumi were wonderful together and he was  _happy_  for them, but... but what?

 

He only made things worse for Iwaizumi, he destroyed the comfort and trust that Oikawa had in him. And Iwaizumi seemed to feel even worse about it than him.

 

Is that what he meant that day? He said he wanted him and Oikawa to be good friends like before. Was he saying that because he knew he wouldn’t be there to see it?

 

Matsukawa’s fingers curled and wrinkled the letter in his hand after he read it for the nth time that week.

 

The hole in his chest grew every time he read those words:

**I’m sorry for using you, Mattsun. You’re my best friend and an awesome guy and I’m sorry for doing that to you. I’m sorry for telling Oikawa what we did and ruining everything.**

**I hope you’ll forgive me.**

 

Matsukawa tucked the letter back into his desk drawer. The end of the letter got to him every time. He never realized Iwaizumi was using him until he explained it in that letter, when it was too late.

 

He missed him. He’d have his heart broken over and over again if it meant Iwaizumi getting to live.

 

———

 

Hanamaki cried the whole time he read his letter. He was buried in the blankets of his bed as he read it over and over again. He didn’t sleep for three days.

 

He felt so guilty, so regretful, so  _furious_  at himself because he knew for  _six months_. He had six months to help his friend, to look out for him, but instead he neglected him and now Iwaizumi was dead. He was gone because Hanamaki didn’t care enough.

 

Well, that’s not what Iwaizumi told him, but Hanamaki had a hard time believing a lot of what was written in that letter.

 

Iwaizumi said he was sorry for lying to him for all those months. He said that he appreciated Hanamaki being there for him through it all. He said that he was glad to have Hanamaki as his friend, and that he wished he didn’t lie to him so much.

 

As far as Hanamaki was concerned, it was all bullshit. If Iwaizumi really felt sorry, then he wouldn’t have lied. He wanted to crumble up that letter and never look at it again. But instead he held the paper tightly in his hands, his tears falling and leaving wet splotches on it. He gazed at the end of it, where Iwaizumi had sighed his name in that messy handwriting.

 

He wanted to curse Iwaizumi for doing this to him, but all he could feel was sorrow as his chest hurt and his eyes burned.

 

———

 

Kyoutani hadn’t taken it well. He was angry — so angry he couldn’t breath. He read the letter once and balled it up and chucked it across his room. He yelled the whole time as he tore every sheet from his bed and tossed everything off his desk in fury.

 

He couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t  _want_  to deal with it. Even after the shit Iwaizumi put him through, Kyoutani couldn’t blame him and instead he had become the closest friend the blonde had ever had.

 

Kyoutani just wanted to help him; how did it end up like this?

 

He just wanted to be with Iwaizumi. It didn’t matter how or where or why, he just wanted Iwaizumi  _there_.

 

Iwaizumi was the first person Kyoutani had ever confessed to and he was the first person he fell for. He’s always avoided stuff like that because he was asexual, and he figured anyone he liked wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. And yet he trusted Iwaizumi. He  _wanted_  to trust Iwaizumi.

 

But they never got to that.

 

And now he wanted to hate Iwaizumi. He wanted to burn that stupid letter and forget everything.

 

Except he couldn’t. It was futile. He could only crawl over to that balled up letter and carefully unfold it. He could only hug his knees to his chest as he read it once more.

 

**I’m really sorry for the way I treated you, Kentarou. I was an asshole when you were just trying to help me. I appreciate it, I really do. You’ve been a great friend to me when I couldn’t talk to anyone else. I’m sorry I had to say it like this.**

 

**You’ll become an amazing and reliable ace for the team, Kentarou, I just know it.**

 

So why didn’t he stay to see it? Why didn’t he stay to guide him to becoming as great an ace he was?

 

Kyoutani had never been so angry in his life.

 

———

 

It wasn’t good.

 

Oikawa hasn’t been to school in a week, and he still debating on going tomorrow. He read the letter every single day. Maybe it was unhealthy, because it only made him feel worse. His body ached because he didn’t have the energy to get out of bed or eat. His parents brought him meals each day and tried to get him out of bed, but it was in vain.

 

Oikawa scrolled through the pictures on his phones, smiling sadly at the selfies he’d taken with Iwaizumi. The ace was scowling in most of them, but he had a small smile in a couple of them.

 

Iwaizumi is so handsome.

 

Iwaizumi  _was_  so handsome.

 

Oikawa remembered when they were little kids and they’d play together every day. He remembered their summers when Iwaizumi would insist on catching beetles and carry his net everywhere. And when Oikawa got sick one day, Iwaizumi came to his house with a particularly large beetle in a jar to make him feel better. It was really gross but the look on his friend’s face was so enthusiastic that Oikawa couldn’t help but smile.

 

They spent their entire lives together and Iwaizumi was always his normal tsundere self. When did that change, Oikawa wondered.

 

What did he do wrong? He thought they were doing well, then suddenly he gets a call from Iwaizumi’s mom who tells him that her son killed himself and that he left him a note.

 

But that note meant nothing in the grand scheme of things because Iwaizumi was dead, and there was nothing that could change what happened.

 

He didn’t need a note to tell him how much Iwaizumi loved him. Or to tell him that his boyfriend had been depressed for a long time. Or to tell him that he appreciated the help Oikawa gave him.

 

He didn’t need that because he already knew that.

 

What he needed to know was why he didn’t try to do more. He should’ve loved Iwaizumi more, cherished him more, taken better care of him.

 

He shouldn’t have trusted him.

 

All he could do was lay on his bed and stare up at the ceiling once his tears had run dry. His cheeks were heavy and sore and his nose was burning and he just wanted to turn on his side and see Iwaizumi looking at him. He wanted to turn and see those sharp eyes and lean in to kiss those chapped lips and embrace those wide shoulders.

 

He wanted Iwaizumi back.

 


	8. end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa doesn't want to think about it. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you guys for sticking around until the end! I'm not a fan of this last chapter, but I just wanted to show that moving on isn't that easy, and that amongst all the agony, there are still happy memories and things to cling to. Sorry for taking so long, and thanks for reading :)

Oikawa smiled as he watched Iwaizumi walk into his house. Iwaizumi was doing better, and that made him happy. So happy. He felt at peace.

Peace.

“Iwa-chan.” Oikawa stopped in his tracks and frowned at the road. Then he turned around and walked back to Iwaizumi’s house. He didn’t bother knocking, he just walked in.

The house was too quiet. Normally Iwaizumi would be in the kitchen to make something to eat after school. He was a good cook.

Oikawa placed his bag on the ground and took his shoes off. He opened his mouth, a small squeak of a sound coming as he started to call to his boyfriend.

But he was interrupted. There was a thump on the ground upstairs.

There he was.

Oikawa walked upstairs and to Iwaizumi’s room. The room they spent so much time in together. It was where they first kissed, made love, said the words ‘I love you.’ It was where they spent hours talking and cuddling and watching YouTube and....

Oikawa stood in the door for one second and that one second was all he needed to take it in. A body struggling, writhing, wriggling as it fought to free itself from the confines of a brain that had already made its choice.

Oikawa gasped so sharply that he felt lightheaded as he ran to the dangling body and grabbed Iwaizumi’s legs to lift him up. Iwaizumi looked horrified and scared and angry and sad and so many other things as he watched Oikawa, blurry and gray because of the lack of air, frantically grab the stool with his foot and pull it towards them, back up and under Iwaizumi’s feet.

And Iwaizumi stood up straight, his blue face turning pale and eventually tan as he stood there for minutes, just looking at Oikawa.

Then he stepped off the stool. The rope around his neck was gone but he still couldn’t breathe.

Oikawa’s face showed no emotion. Calm before the storm.

Then all at once, tears burst from his eyes and his nose started running and his throat ached as he sobbed and wrapped his arms around Iwaizumi’s shoulders and held him tightly.

And Iwaizumi cried too as he whispered, over and over again, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry.

Those words were empty and Oikawa knew it damn well. If Iwaizumi was sorry about anything it was because Oikawa had seen him and saved him.

His apology was bullshit just like all his **promises**.

But Oikawa wasn’t angry, not at all. When he finally stopped crying, he gently pushed Iwaizumi back until they were sitting on his bed. Iwaizumi was still crying.

He kissed Iwaizumi. It was sloppy and wet, but not in the good way, because they were struggling to breathe through their snot-filled noses.

"Why?" Oikawa croaked. A streak of pain ran up his throat when he spoke, but it was nothing in comparison to the thunderous pain in his heart.

Their lips ghosted one another's and their foreheads pressed together and they looked each other in the eye. But all Iwaizumi could say was "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-"

***

Oikawa's eyes fling open and he inhales sharp enough for it to sting. Everything is numb until he shifts his head to look at the clock that reads 2:46am. His pillow and hair are wet with tears and his nose hurts. When he wipes his face, it feels slimy.

Begrudgingly, Oikawa stands from his bed and walks to his bathroom. The light blinds him for a few seconds, but when his eyes adjust and he looks in the mirror, there's blood streaked across his cheek. Another nosebleed.

He scowls and cleans up his face, but he doesn't want to go back to bed. He doesn't want to have another nightmare of the things that could've been if he'd just done more for Iwaizumi. He doesn't want to see it.

He doesn't want to think about how he once laid in bed all night thinking about how to propose to Iwaizumi someday.

He doesn't want to think about how Iwaizumi used to look really cute after showering because his nose would turn red and his spiky hair would droop.

He doesn't want to think about that one bus ride home from a practice game when Iwaizumi fell asleep and drooled all over his shoulder.

He doesn't want to think about how red Iwaizumi's face was the first time he bought condoms for them and the cashier lady laughed.

He doesn't want to think about the nights he'd stay up late kissing Iwaizumi's hips and wrists and thighs where his scars were and telling him it would be okay. And Iwaizumi would grimace and tell him to stop being cheesy. And he would laugh and just kiss him even more. And eventually, they'd get tired enough that Iwaizumi's hand would naturally thread into his hair and massage his scalp while Oikawa muttered compliments and reassurances into Iwaizumi's skin until they fell asleep.

Oikawa doesn't want to have to go to the funeral of his childhood friend, best friend, and boyfriend tomorrow to see the gray casket that tucked away the person who was more important to him than anything else in this world. He'll have to look into his parents eyes and cry with them while they all blame themselves for something that was no one person's fault.

Oikawa's vision grows fuzzy as he sinks to his knees on the bathroom floor. He swallows the lump in his throat to get the words out, because he'll never be able to say them again. Not if he wants to move on. Not if he wants to regain his strength and live for the person he would've gladly dedicated his life to. He misses him.

_"Iwa-chan."_

**Author's Note:**

> Comments? Thoughts? This will have a couple more chapters because I'm too obsessed with iwaoi angst and sad Hajime even tho he's my bby. I hope you enjoyed :')


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